Fortunate Families Newsletter
In this issue:
- What Would Jesus Do About My Gay Son? – Saavedra
- An ‘invitation to lunch’ pastoral theology – NCR editorial
- When Your 7-Year-Old Son Announces, ‘I’m Gay’ – Amelia
- “Coming Out” Talk – Anderson
- · Gay marriage ban would infringe on people’s rights – Dunn
- Social Justice Fair – Buccini
- Follow the Prophets – Word
- Did you know…???/ Calendar/ Thanks!
Words to ponder
“As parents of a spiritual, talented, caring son who also happens to be gay and a practicing Catholic, we were happy to see “Pride and Prejudice,” [see Fortunate Families March-April 2012 issue] which illustrates in a balanced way the pain and lack of sensitivity often associated with this issue. Considering that the primary teaching of the Catholic Church focuses on the dignity and worth of the individual, we were daunted to read that the USCCB’s “Ministry to Persons with Homosexual Inclination” would encourage keeping one’s sexual orientation essentially a secret. Do the bishops not realize that denying a person honesty and authenticity is tantamount to denying a sense of dignity and self-worth? Should being gay consign our son to a lifetime of isolation from love? Is it any wonder that many struggling young GLBT individuals feel so abandoned and unloved as to resort to suicide? We thank God for the blessing of our fabulous son exactly as he is. He has taught us much about strength and dignity, acceptance, and authenticity, as well as deep faith in a God who also calls him ‘beloved son.’”
– Fortunate Families Listening Parents, Mike & Kathy Farrell, Atlanta, GA, letter to Editor, 4/20/12 US Catholic
P.O. Box 18082, Rochester, NY 14618-0082
Office Assistant—Gail McClain
Email: [email protected]
What Would Jesus Do About My Gay Son?
By David Saavedra
April 10, 2012
With author’s permission
hen my son came out to me, I immediately knew what I needed to do. I told my son then and many times since that I love him.
I am among the majority of Catholics who stand on the side of love when it comes to lesbian, gay, bisexual and transgender (LGBT) family and friends. This week, however, I was reminded that there are still those who think Catholics are willing to stand on the side of discrimination.
Confidential documents from the National Organization for Marriage (NOM), an anti-gay and supposedly faith-based organization, had been released by court order and were published online earlier this week.
The internal documents included plans to pit Latinos and Blacks against gays and to use Catholic officials as part of the process.
NOM imagined they could use people of color by making “opposition to gay marriage an identity marker” of the Latino culture and their strategists wanted “to drive a wedge between gays and blacks.”
Additionally, NOM planned to use their “close relationships with Catholic bishops” to carry out some of their anti-gay policies and the organization itself was being funded in part by high-level officials of the Catholic fraternal organization, the Knights of Columbus.
This may be their plan, but it won’t get very far.
What NOM and Knights of Columbus officials may not know is that Catholics, more than any other Christian denomination in the United States, support legal recognition of same-gender couples. We understand that being in relationship isn’t always easy. Couples and families—gay or straight—need all the support we as a society can offer and civil legal recognition is a step in the right direction.
What NOM also may not know is that people who are lesbian, gay, bisexual or transgender are also people of color. How does one drive “a wedge between gays and blacks” when there are those who are gay and Black or lesbian and Latina?
As a person of faith, sometimes I wonder what Jesus would say to my gay son, but I have a feeling he would probably repeat what his own Father said to him: “This is my beloved son, in whom I am well pleased” (Matt. 3:17).
One thing is clear: NOM has a lot of learning to do about love. They might try turning to scripture where Jesus reminds us that the greatest commandment is love; not racism or homophobia. Just love.
David Saavedra is Co-President of the national board of Call To Action, an organization that seeks justice in the Catholic Church. He is also a member of the Call To Action Anti-Racism Team. [Editor’s Note: David and Dora Saavedra are Fortunate Families Listening Parents]
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An ‘invitation to lunch’ pastoral theology
An NCR Editorial
April, 9, 2012
erhaps it is just a sign of the times that Catholics would be jolted reading that a cardinal, facing a difficult pastoral situation, would publicly acknowledge having asked himself: “How would Jesus act?”
That’s the question that Cardinal Christoph Schönborn of Vienna, Austria, asked when considering whether he should let stand a pastor’s decision to prohibit a gay man in a registered domestic partnership to serve on a parish council.
In March, Florian Stangl, 26, was overwhelmingly elected to the position by gaining 96 of 142 votes cast by members of the parish. The pastor, Fr. Gerhard Swierzek, head of the small parish, intervened and, upholding church law against homosexual partnerships, asked him to renounce the position and also, according to reports, asked Stangl not to receive the Eucharist.
The archdiocese at first upheld the rule. Then Schönborn asked himself that question. And Stangl asked to speak to the cardinal.
Schönborn apparently decided that one thing Jesus would do is invite Stangl and his partner to lunch.
What he discovered over lunch, he said later, was that he was “deeply impressed by [Stangl’s] faithful disposition, his humility, and the way in which he lives his commitment to service. I can therefore understand,” said the cardinal, “why the inhabitants of Stützenhofen voted so decidedly for his participation in the parish council.” And then Schönborn suggested that the archdiocese would look into reworking the rules for pastoral elections, which currently require that candidates sign a declaration that they support all church teachings.
In a statement explaining his decision, Schönborn said, “There are many parish councilors whose lifestyle does not fully conform to the ideals of the church. In view of the life witness that each of them gives taken as a whole, and their commitment to the attempt to live a life of faith, the church rejoices in their efforts.”
It is interesting that in the same week, news has circulated widely on the Internet and elsewhere of Cardinal Carlo Maria Martini’s view, expressed in the book Believing and Knowing, that while society should defend and support family life, “it is not bad for two people to have some stability instead of occasional homosexual relationships, and in this regard the state could also favor them.”
Is it too much to suggest that Martini and Schönborn could be a leading edge of a shift in hierarchical thinking? After all, this is the first generation of prelates who have had to confront the reality that gays and lesbians will no longer remain a hidden “problem.” They are openly part of our lives, our cultures, our faith communities, and will continue to be. They are no longer an abstraction to be spoken about, without challenge, as some theological or ethical curiosity.
The other thing Schönborn did was talk publicly about his wrestling with this issue, discussing it during an hourlong interview on Austrian television Palm Sunday night. These questions are part of the public discourse, and he demonstrated that the church can be part of that discourse.
Schönborn revisited this issue in a homily directed to the priests of the archdiocese during the Chrism Mass on Tuesday of Holy Week and placed it into the larger question of pastoral care for Catholics whose lifestyles do “not fully conform to the ideals of the church.” Rather than railing against people in gay partnerships, cohabitating heterosexuals, and divorced and remarried Catholics, Schönborn has said the church needs to embrace them in their faith journey.
Schönborn’s approach has attracted a great deal of notice, of course, because it is so strikingly different from so much of the confrontational policing of borders that goes on in the church these days. It doesn’t burden the laity with a requirement that the hierarchy, we know, would miserably fail as a class — that all be perfect in every detail.
What if, for instance, the U.S. bishops had decided to invite theologian St. Joseph Sr. Elizabeth Johnson for lunch — even dinner — to discuss her work before condemning it out of hand? What if Bishop Robert McManus of Worcester, Mass., had invited Victoria Kennedy to lunch to talk over whatever objection he may have to her as commencement speaker at Anna Maria College? What if these U.S. leaders would have taken into consideration these women’s “life witness” as a whole? Both episodes might have had more civil, not to mention rational, endings.
Spending time with someone, especially breaking bread with someone, tends to soften the hard edges. It doesn’t negate principle, but it may make one hesitate, or even rethink, before publicly condemning someone.
The culture warriors among us might balk at such a strategy. At a distance, the lines always look sharper and more defined. It’s tough to keep warring against someone you’ve come to know a bit and whom you perceive as reasonable and well-intended.
Maybe seminaries should consider placing a great deal more emphasis on developing the “invitation to lunch” as an integral part of pastoral theology programs.
Reprinted by permission of 115 E. Armour Blvd., Kansas City, MO 64111
When Your 7-Year-Old Son Announces, ‘I’m Gay’
February 17, 2012
HUFFPOST GAY VOICES
With author’s permission
onsidering that my son has a longstanding crush on Glee‘s Blaine and regularly refers to him as “my boyfriend,” I thought there was a fair chance that he would someday say, “I’m gay.” But my kid is only 7 years old. I figured I had a few years before we crossed that threshold (if we ever did), probably when he was 14 or 15. I never thought it would happen this soon.
Six months ago “gay” wasn’t even a word in my son’s vocabulary. He has always known that some of our male friends are married to men and some of our female friends to women, and it is such a normal part of his life that he never needed a special word to describe them. When he did notice the word and asked what it meant, I told him that when boys want to marry boys and girls want to marry girls, we call that “gay.” He didn’t seem very interested and quickly went off to do something else more exciting than a vocabulary lesson with his mom.
Fast-forward a few months. I was on the phone with a relative who had just discovered that I was blogging on The Huffington Post and openly discussing my son’s crush on Blaine. I was in another room alone (I thought), explaining, “We’re not saying he’s straight, and we’re not saying he’s gay. We’re saying we love who he is,” when my son’s voice piped up behind me.
“Yes, I am,” he said.
“Am what, baby?” I asked.
“Gay. I’m gay.”
My world paused for a moment, and I saw the “geez, Mom, didn’t you know that already?” look on my son’s face.
I got off the phone and leaned down to eye level with him and rubbed my nose against his. “I love you so much.”
“I know,” he said, and ran off to play with his brothers.
Since that day, any time the word “gay” has come into conversation, he has happily announced to those around him, “I’m gay!” He says this very naturally and happily, the same way he announces other things that he likes about himself. Mention that a person is tall and he’ll quickly add, “I’m tall!” If he hears the word “Legos,” barely a second passes before he says, “Legos. I love Legos.” Saying “I’m gay” is his way of telling people: this is something I like about myself.
It’s amazing, but it’s also shocking. How many people have a 7-year-old come out to them? A lot of people don’t know how to react, and I don’t blame them. Before my son, I’d never met a child who came out this young — and we don’t know anyone else who has. The mere idea of children having a sexual orientation makes people uncomfortable. It’s something we don’t think about (or just don’t like to).
But here’s the thing: straight children have nothing to announce. Straight is the assumption. No one bats an eye at a little girl with a Justin Bieber poster in her bedroom, or when little girls love playing wedding with little boys every chance they get. If our sexual orientation is simply part of who we are, why wouldn’t it be there in our elementary years?
I’ve heard from countless adults who say they knew that they were gay as young as kindergarten but lacked the language to talk about it. And in most cases, they knew it was something wrong that they should hide. Because gay people are part of my son’s everyday life, he has the vocabulary, and it has never occurred to him there is anything wrong with it.
On one occasion after an “I’m gay” announcement, I watched my husband reach out to ruffle our son’s hair. “I know, buddy,” my husband said to him. “And you’re awesome, too.” That’s how we’re handling it. We want him to know we hear him, and that he’s wonderful. It feels like the right thing to do, and that’s all we have to go by. We don’t have any other examples.
We did take a few extra steps. Within a few days we had a quick talk with him about how some people don’t like it when people are gay, explaining that those people are wrong. If he hears anyone says anything about being gay like it is something bad, he is to run and get us immediately. We had a brief conversation with his teachers: Our son is identifying as gay. We don’t think there’s anything wrong with that or with him. And this is the only acceptable opinion on the subject. All his teachers, while surprised, were on board. We learned that he hasn’t used that word at school yet, so we’ll cross that bridge when the time comes.
I don’t think it will always be easy. We don’t know what to expect. At this point we aren’t looking for trouble, but at the same time we’re preparing for it. We know we have a journey ahead of us, just like everyone does. And this is one part of the story of our son and our family.
Do I think this is the last word on his orientation? I don’t know. He’s 7. Maybe as he gets older he’ll tell me something else, but it’s just as likely that he won’t. But really, that doesn’t even matter. What matters is right now. And right now I have a young son who happily announces “I’m gay.” And I’m so proud to be his mom.
Follow Amelia on Twitter: www.twitter.com/Amelia_blogger
“Coming Out” Talk
By Artemae and Jerry Anderson,
Fortunate Families Listening Parents
ver since Jerry and I went to the October 2010 Fortunate Families conference in Chicago, we had a firm idea of how to help our parish in Detroit become more inclusive and welcoming. Much planning followed, and on March 11, Fr. Clore opened the homily, following the Gospel of the Woman at the Well, and then we followed with the story of our response to our two gay kids coming out to us. Since both had come out by letter, it was easy to share excerpts from their revelation.
Brian’s letter came in 2002, while he was living in New York, following his graduation from U of M: “… Accepting that I’ll never be married to a woman has been a lifelong process for me, and something I was always hesitant to talk about with family. But I don’t want to hide anything from those I care about most…. I’ve always felt that I have a wonderful relationship with the both of you, but ignoring this huge aspect of my life is becoming increasingly stifling in our interactions. I send this letter with much love and understanding of the broad range of emotions it will possibly spark in you, and with faith that you will find the same love and understanding for me in your digestion of its contents….”
And, in 2004, Colleen was living at home during her last year of undergrad to save money. Before leaving on a weekend camping trip with friends, she left a letter for us to find while she was gone. Some excerpts: “What I have to tell you is something I’ve known for a very long time, and I don’t know if you’ve ever guessed at or not. What I am trying to ease you into is this: I am a lesbian…. I know that this is going to be really hard to accept and adjust to, but I also know that you will, eventually. Having gone through this with Brian is comforting in that respect, but I can’t imagine what it is like to have two of your children come out as homosexual…. I know you’re going to be very concerned about what I’ve been through without talking to anyone. You’re right to be concerned—it’s really difficult…. It’s not without trepidation that I write you this letter—this changes everything… I love you both very much…”
With both revelations, we experienced the grief of lost expectations, and sadness and concern for all they had endured on their own, but so grateful for their inner strength and courage. We reached out in the only way we knew how, with copious love and affirmation.
I have always felt that we learned more from our six children than we taught them, and this was a prime example of that dynamic. We asked questions, we researched, we prayed for knowledge and understanding. We now know that these two gay children reflect a part of God’s image that the rest of us cannot. So we now know God better, because of these two treasures in our life.
The response to our story during mass was incredible: first applause, and then a standing ovation! So much love poured out. Then during the sign of peace, and after mass, many came up, thanked and hugged us, and some came out with their own stories. One middle-aged man, who had walked out during the talk to collect himself emotionally, told us how his mother still has not accepted him as a gay man, and he was touched by the loving response in our family. God is using us mightily, and I am so grateful!
This “coming out” talk served as a promotion of the film, Anyone and Everyone, that we viewed together the following Saturday. This film portrays the stories of many diverse parents’ reactions to their children’s revelation that they are gay. The discussion which followed the viewing allowed many to share their stories, questions and concerns, as well as hopes. The gay brother of a parishioner shared his experience in his small group. The mother of a lesbian said that until now she hadn’t realized that she should be using her experience to help others. Others asked good questions, like, “Did you know your kids were gay, growing up?” We left with the resolution to keep the discussion going, to continue to inform and support one another, so as to better welcome all who come to us, and to free us all to be who we are to one another.
Wait, there’s more! The very next morning, during our March 18th mass, following the Gospel of the Healing of Man Born Blind, Deacon Joe came and sat down on the altar platform steps and proceeded to give us his testimony of having been blind concerning his gay nephew. Joe’s healing and transformation of heart had come during the memorial service following his nephew’s death, caused by AIDS. We thanked Joe for having the courage to come before us as repentant and healed, speaking for us all in our personal blindness.
The grace continues to flow like living water. We have had an active email response, with parishioners sharing their gratitude that the issue is “out.” We have planned a second viewing of the film during coffee hour for those who missed it and have asked about it. We also are planning a follow-up meeting to see where God wants us to take it from here. We are so grateful to Fortunate Families for all the support and encouragement.
Stories make a difference!
Did you or someone you know do or say something to make a positive difference? … make someone—a family member, priest, bishop, legislator—more empathetic to or more accepting of LGBT persons? Tell us about it. Your story might be exactly what someone needs to hear!
Gay marriage ban would
infringe on people’s rights
By Bernadette Dunn,
SCtimes.com [St. Cloud (MN)]
March 30, 2012
Reprinted by permission of the author
n November, Minnesota voters will be asked to vote on a proposed amendment to the Minnesota Constitution. If the amendment is adopted, a section shall be added to article XIII, to read: “Sec. 13. Only a union of one man and one woman shall be valid or recognized as a marriage in Minnesota.”
By restricting the validity of marriage to one man and one woman, our constitution will be in violation of the 14th Amendment to the U.S. Constitution that states in section 1: “No State shall make or enforce any law which shall abridge the privileges or immunities of citizens of the United States; …nor deny to any person within its jurisdiction the equal protection of the laws.”
Equal protection of the laws includes the right to marry. Gays and lesbians are citizens and persons; therefore, they have the right under law to marry.
The definition of marriage is critical because marriage is a legal relationship that affords the couple federal and state rights and benefits unavailable to single people. Included but not limited are rights to: joint federal and state income tax filing; establish a “family partnership” that allows a couple the right to divide business income among family members; receive a spouse’s Social Security, veterans’ and public assistance benefits; inheritance under the state’s interstate succession laws; sue a third party for a wrongful death of a spouse; receive family rates for insurance; make medical decisions about a
spouse in the event of disability; a marital communication privilege to avoid testifying against a spouse; inherit property without a will; financial support in the event of a separation; child support; medical rights and family leave policy.
Amendment proponents generally argue that the public purpose of marriage is to serve the common good.
While I agree that marriage is an important social institution, I disagree with the amendment supporters that the bedrock will be shaken if a broader definition of marriage is allowed.
By seeking the civil right to marry, gay or lesbian couples give an important public witness to the value and necessity of marriage for the common good. Also, while lesbians or gay men are seeking the legal sanction of marriage, more and more heterosexual couples are preferring to cohabitate rather than commit to the public witness to marriage.
It would appear that gay or lesbian couples are not the ones threatening the bedrock of
Using the argument that the restricted definition of marriage is necessary for the well-being of children, proponents of the amendment hide its true purpose, which is to deny the legal rights guaranteed to citizens and persons. Persons with different
sexual orientation are, according to law, entitled to the same legal marital rights as heterosexual persons.
The proposed change to the constitution is rooted in a narrow interpretation of what marriage is or should be. Unfortunately, some of the greatest supporters of this
interpretation are faith communities who, while they have a right to define marriage
according to their beliefs, do not have the right to impose those beliefs on the greater
Bernadette S. Dunn is an Avon [MN] resident who has a master of divinity degree from a reputable Catholic institution and is actively involved in ministry at the Church of St. Benedict in Avon. Before coming to Avon in 2007, she served as a parish pastoral administrator and director of the family life office for the Catholic Diocese of Crookston.
Social Justice Fair
Community of St. Peter, Cleveland
By Marianne and Jim Buccini
n Sunday, March 11, 2012, we joined 27 organizations promoting social justice, at the Social Justice Fair at the Community of St. Peter. We proudly represented Fortunate Families and PFLAG Cleveland. During the fair, which was held after Mass, individuals visited our table. In some cases, we were thanked for affirming them as LGBT Catholics, others sought information for a friend or family member, many were grateful for our presence as well as the resources provided.
Copies of The Fortunate Families current newsletter, along with the newsletter that featured our family story were distributed. We also provided the Fortunate Families and Listening Parents brochures, PFLAG Cleveland/Akron newsletters, and the PFLAG Cleveland brochure. Providing support and education, while advocating for the rights of LGBT people, was a very rewarding experience for us, especially since it was within our Catholic community.
Telling our family story, and showing a wedding photo of our son and son-in-law, helped us to be a witness for the commitment and love experienced by these young men. This day gave us the opportunity to share our story, and share our belief that our children are, in the words of the United States bishops, “child[ren] of God, gifted and called for a purpose in God’s design.” (Always Our Children 1997-1998)
Editor’s Note: Marianne and Jim Buccini are Fortunate Families Listening Parents
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Follow the prophets… they lead us to the future.
By Deb Word, Fortunate Families Listening Parent
This Catholic Mom, April 6, 2012 blog
t’s been another week of not great church news… Bishop being prosecuted, NOM papers from court explain a strategy of destruction, angry reaction from Cardinal Dolan to an activist who begs him to come meet the kids we help displace with our angry rhetoric. And then there was the mandatory lecture in MN where a priest played ‘let’s teach ‘em how to vote’ with the senior class, beginning with the need for marriage and ending abruptly when the kids stood their ground asking questions and sharing lgbt history. Politics, legal repercussions for the crazy ‘which rock is the pedophile priest under,’ and hurtful rhetoric are not the way to observe holy week.
I know my church wants to say all are loved. I know that. But the hierarchy seems so concerned about slippery slopes creating protected classes and retaining the legal right to treat our kids differently that the message of love is lost…long gone.
This is the holiest week of the year in my church. This is the week that I would usually spent many, many hours in church… and yet I just can’t do it this year. I’m trying to convince myself it is a health issue. But I think it’s a gut issue, more emotional than physical.
On Tuesday I hosted the ministry group at our house, pre-Chrism Mass. Our potluck space was being used, so we moved across the street. Beautiful souls… my friends in this ministry are folks who have been kicked around by the church, and yet they are faithful. They are able to ignore the bad…or write it off to the flawed human condition. And we revel in the wonder that is our way of celebration. Our rituals are life sustaining.
I’ve written often that I wonder weekly why I stay. Why am I still a Catholic? This week we are reminded that Jesus didn’t ‘appreciate’ the hierarchy either. And they called Him a heretic. And yet he continued to love, and to teach us to love.
There are many, many historians in my church… (who will tell us that we must live, pray, love a certain way because the HISTORY of our church says so) but there are not as many prophets. I hope to follow the prophets, NOT the historians. The future of our church lies in the hands of prophets.
Did you know … ???
qually Blessed coalition (composed of Call To Action, DignityUSA, Fortunate Families, and New Ways Ministry) issues media releases on issues of importance to LGBT Catholics and their families and friends.
A recent release asks Catholics to ask the US Bishops to sever their ties to the anti-gay National Organization for Marriage (NOM). You can sign the petition by going to the posting in Letters/Statements on the Fortunate Families website.
Australian Bishop Geoffrey Robinson, at the March 2012 New Ways Ministry Symposium, said:
“I am convinced that there now needs to be a new study of everything to do with sexuality …. I am convinced that any such study, if conducted with total honesty and integrity, would have a profound influence on church teaching concerning all sexual relationships, both heterosexual and homosexual.”
You can view/download his talk on the Fortunate Families website (Resources /Articles & Brochures).
A recent Social Science Research Solutions study found that U.S. Latinos support same-sex marriage at about the same rate as the general population (54% to 53% respectively), and about the same rate as the Catholic population.
Jun. 16, 2012 (Sat.)
Day of Reflection for parents of lesbian daughters and gay sons Scarboro Missions, Toronto Canada -.Contact John Montague for brochure 416-523-6449.
Nov. 9-11, 2012
Justice Rising! Call To Action Conference, Louisville KY. Info: www.cta-usa.org.
July 4-7, 2013
DignityUSA Convention. Minneapolis MN. Info: www.dignityusa.org.
Sep. 12-15. 2013
Catholic Association of Lesbian and Gay Ministry Conference. New Orleans LA. Info: www.calgm.org.
Since our March-April newsletter 75 people and/or groups contributed to Fortunate Families. Thanks for enabling us to sustain this ministry to, with, for and by parents of lesbian, gay, bisexual and transgender daughters and sons!
To our faithful donors, and those eager to join their ranks:
We’ve started to send thank you notes by email–if we have your email address. We’ll save trees and postage. When you send your donation, tell us if you prefer to get your thank you note by U.S. post.
Fortunate Families, Inc. is a non-profit, tax-exempt 501(c)(3) public charity organization. Contributions are fully tax-deductible.
* Recommended Resource *
“If I really loved my son, as I said I did, I could not deny by my silence a part of who he is.”
In her acclaimed book Fortunate Families, Mary Ellen Lopata offers readers a wonderfully hopeful, helpful and informative read. It is for anyone who wants a better understanding of how gay and lesbian realities impact the family-and-faith lives of many Catholics.
Fortunate Families illustrates that “many Catholic parents negotiate a conflict between what they believe the Catholic Church teaches and their lived experience of their gay child as a whole and holy person.” These parents tell what they need from the church that baptized their gay children.
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